Broken Records

At one point, I had a handle on things. I was losing weight, finding confidence in myself, becoming one step closer to the person I knew I could be.

I let it all go.

Gained all the weight back and then some.

When I first started losing weight back in 2007, I was at my then heaviest weight of 346.

I'm now 364.

My confidence has turned to shit.

I'm stuck.

I'm single. And I want to date but don't want to at the same time. I run a bigger risk of rejection at this heavier size. I'm letting my fear of heartbreak win over my desire for happiness.

I'm not happy with myself.

I need to start over.

And I'm going to ask for something from you. Not support.

Don't baby me. Don't tell me "oh, you've had a bad day/week/whatever, I'll let you slide." Tell me what I need to hear. Not what I want.

Kick my ass.

Thanks.

-Justin

One of those emotional revelation things

I finished the rough draft of one script I was working on, Coming Distractions.  Going back to my romantic comedy, Chicks Dig Scars.

I've always had a hard time with this one.  I figured it was because it was a genre I don't usually watch. Or because maybe I thought I was more passionate about my other ideas than I was about this.

It fell on me full force while driving to work the real reason I've been putting it off.

The protagonist is me.  Or, rather, a side of me I never bring out in front of anyone else.

I've had an inkling I shared something with David, aka surrogate me.  Even acknowledged it to others.  But I didn't realize what side of me he represented, or how deeply he reflected it.

David is the romantic side of me.  The one that longs for love.  The lonely soul looking for a mate, who doesn't know where to start.

He hides some of this with humor.  Like I do.  But I take it to a way higher level than David does.  He's a bit more open with his sadness, while I refuse to admit it.  I've built the humor up like Fort Knox.  It's my defense mechanism.  And underneath the armor is something most fragile.

The only real difference between David and myself is that he's loved and lost.  I've never loved at all.

But when it comes to not being able to find love, it is both of our fault.

Okay.  I gotta get something on paper.  With this realization, I'm feeling the need to finish this script and purge whatever feelings I have.  And at the very least, I can give David a happier ending.

Later.
-Justin

It's been forever

Two years since I've visited Perro Sexivo.

Totally forgot about it.  And whenever I did remember it, I was like, whatever.

What's happened in the 2+ years since I've written?

I gained back all of the weight I lost.  And then some.

Totally hating myself for it.  But not hating myself enough to truly commit to fixing it.  Or is that not loving myself enough?

And I turned 30 last week.

I'm in a funk.

Seeing all these people around me, all happy, all in love.

Here I am.  Odd man out.

Never been laid.  Never been kissed.  Never had anybody tell me they love me in the romantic sense.

I want it.

I don't know where to start.

Later.
-Justin

Quickie

Went to the gym twice this past week.

First time, 5k in 40 minutes.

Second time, 5k in 41:25.

It's not a comeback.  It's a re-awakening.

Check it out.

The fruit of my labor, the series my TV Production class worked on, is on Vimeo. Here are some links: http://vimeo.com/33731559 Episode 1 http://vimeo.com/33746929 Episode 2 http://vimeo.com/34670826 Episode 3, the episode I wrote http://vimeo.com/34670961 Episode 4, the one I edited http://vimeo.com/34670961 Episode 5, the thrilling conclusion.

New Year!

Happy New Year, y'all!

This has been a Winter Break without the Break.

Once school ended, I got thrust into work and the Christmas holiday.  Luckily most of the customers were relatively cool this year.  The idiocy didn't come around until after Christmas day.

Then I got offered the head writing job for the ODU Film Society project we're doing next semester.  So my non-work time got spent on working on that.  I finished the treatment on New Year's Eve.  With one half hour to spare of 2011...

Thus explaining my lack of giallo watching.  And giallo posting.  And working on Orchid.

I've only watched one giallo this break.  Death Carries a Cane.  Had its moments, but I couldn't stay 100% invested in it.

My giallo buying might change as well.

I was going to spend my Christmas money on gialli, but only bought three: New York Ripper, and preorders of Strip Nude For Your Killer on Blu Ray and the Shameless Blu Ray of Four Flies on Gray Velvet.  The rest, I spent on workout clothing.  At one point I had lost 65 pounds.  I gained 50 back over the past year and a half.

So I am going to go back to the gym.  That, plus craploads of gift certificates for Tropical Smoothie and Subway, and I am going to lose this weight again.

And it's not a resolution.  Those things break.

Anyhow, my cousin came up with a great idea.  I can come up with a series of weight loss goals.  And every time I hit a goal, I can buy a giallo to reward myself.  Unlike past rewards, which usually involved food.

I like this idea.  Of course, if any Dario Argento movies come out on Blu Ray, or if Case of the Bloody Iris comes to Blu Ray, I'll buy those anyway.  Non negotiable.  But anything else, only if I lose this poundage.

I'm thinking maybe every ten pounds.  What do you think?

Later.
-Justin

Updates and stuff

I always get sick when I get days off.  WTF?

Anyhow, how was your Christmas?  I had a great one.  And surprisingly, I still have Christmas money three days after...

I did spend $70 on Under Armour.  Got some workout shirts.

My leg is a lot better.  Nothing got torn or ripped or broken.  Just one great big bruise that took over my leg.  There were a couple blood clots underneath the skin, but not in my veins, so I'm not gonna die or anything.  Still a knot on my knee, but I managed to spend the entire Christmas shopping season running around like a decapitated chicken.

So once I'm over whatever this thing is (I'm thinking chest cold, but since Mom's all sick with bronchitis, I'm treading lightly), back to the gym.  And I got craploads of giftcards for Christmas for Tropical Smoothie and Subway.  The 7/11 next to my class is gonna think I graduated.

Okay.  Time to rest.  Using my sick days to write for Film Society.

Later.
-Justin

Um...ow...

Long weekend.

Shitty day at work on Friday.  Left early.  Long story.

Then when I got home, I stepped on a weak board on the deck and crashed through.  My leg is all bruised up and I think I pulled or tore something.

So I had to take the rest of the weekend off.  And people probably think I'm turning my back on my coworkers.  But I'm not.

Whatever.

Pics are below.

I managed to use this time to finish editing all I have for TV production.  It'll be a thing of beauty.

Made a vow that all my days off work during Christmas break will be spent in the gym.  So unless my leg is more messed up than it initially looks, somebody hold me to it.

Later.

-Justin

Confidence and other things...

I am socially backward.

I dunno what it is.

I can go onstage and not shut up.  But one-on-one, I don't know what the fuck to do.  I find the only way I can hold a conversation is to turn it into a comedy routine.  If I keep them laughing, I can keep going.  But once the subject changes, I clam right back up.

I'm finding myself hanging out with more people in class, but I also find myself always being "on."  Always cracking jokes.  Never stopping.  I would say it's like I'm trying too hard, but I AM trying too hard.

And I don't know how to stop.

Since I've gained this weight back, my confidence level has dropped to sub zero.  I'm often feeling like I have nothing to give but being the funny fat guy.  Like that's my niche in my social groups and that I shouldn't leave that zone.

I've stopped even entertaining the notion that I'll find a girl.  It's just something I don't wanna try to do.  Whenever I try, I get burned.  People often tell me to stop looking and it'll come my way.  Well, I've stopped.  And still nothing.

Why can't life be like a Judd Apatow movie?  You know, everyone gathers together, helps me build my confidence, and helps me get laid.  With comedic results.  Instead, I have a comically sad story revolving around loser friends that bought me a crack whore and didn't throw me in the room until after one of them had just finished with her...

I'm sick of feeling this way again.  I'm sick of paying $30 a month for the gym for nothing.  I'm sick of frequent gout flareups and big-ass meals and guilt.  I'm sick of believing I don't deserve anything good.  I'm sick of Fat Frank whispering me his demented lullabies.

When this semester is over, I need to overhaul everything again.  How did I live like this before?  I honestly don't know.

Later.
-Justin

Been awhile...

...since I've done anything diet/workout related.  Hence the lack of updates.

This is a tough ass semester.  Still waiting for the final research paper to be assigned for Film History class. And we just got TWO (count 'em--TWO) final assignments for Lighting class.  A film project and a light plot (I can't figure out Vectorworks to save my life).

At least once these TV episodes get shot, I'll just have to edit for that class.  We'd already be done filming my episode if...well, that's another story for another day...

I figured out a new system to lose weight.  It requires a female partner, though.  One that would sleep with me.  So it would never work.  Pretty much a positive reinforcement system.

Lose 25 lbs: Makeout/boob touching
50 pounds: Colonel Angus
75: Lewinsky
100: All the way.

Yeah. It would never happen that way.

Guess I'll just try Fiji Water instead of Mountain Dew.

BTW, ten weeks without a NOS energy drink.  TEN FUCKING WEEKS.  It's getting easier.  But still trying at times...like on shoot nights...

Lemme see when I can hit the gym again.  And if 7-11 has any halfway healthy options...

Later.
-Justin