Um...ow...

Long weekend.

Shitty day at work on Friday.  Left early.  Long story.

Then when I got home, I stepped on a weak board on the deck and crashed through.  My leg is all bruised up and I think I pulled or tore something.

So I had to take the rest of the weekend off.  And people probably think I'm turning my back on my coworkers.  But I'm not.

Whatever.

Pics are below.

I managed to use this time to finish editing all I have for TV production.  It'll be a thing of beauty.

Made a vow that all my days off work during Christmas break will be spent in the gym.  So unless my leg is more messed up than it initially looks, somebody hold me to it.

Later.

-Justin

Confidence and other things...

I am socially backward.

I dunno what it is.

I can go onstage and not shut up.  But one-on-one, I don't know what the fuck to do.  I find the only way I can hold a conversation is to turn it into a comedy routine.  If I keep them laughing, I can keep going.  But once the subject changes, I clam right back up.

I'm finding myself hanging out with more people in class, but I also find myself always being "on."  Always cracking jokes.  Never stopping.  I would say it's like I'm trying too hard, but I AM trying too hard.

And I don't know how to stop.

Since I've gained this weight back, my confidence level has dropped to sub zero.  I'm often feeling like I have nothing to give but being the funny fat guy.  Like that's my niche in my social groups and that I shouldn't leave that zone.

I've stopped even entertaining the notion that I'll find a girl.  It's just something I don't wanna try to do.  Whenever I try, I get burned.  People often tell me to stop looking and it'll come my way.  Well, I've stopped.  And still nothing.

Why can't life be like a Judd Apatow movie?  You know, everyone gathers together, helps me build my confidence, and helps me get laid.  With comedic results.  Instead, I have a comically sad story revolving around loser friends that bought me a crack whore and didn't throw me in the room until after one of them had just finished with her...

I'm sick of feeling this way again.  I'm sick of paying $30 a month for the gym for nothing.  I'm sick of frequent gout flareups and big-ass meals and guilt.  I'm sick of believing I don't deserve anything good.  I'm sick of Fat Frank whispering me his demented lullabies.

When this semester is over, I need to overhaul everything again.  How did I live like this before?  I honestly don't know.

Later.
-Justin

Been awhile...

...since I've done anything diet/workout related.  Hence the lack of updates.

This is a tough ass semester.  Still waiting for the final research paper to be assigned for Film History class. And we just got TWO (count 'em--TWO) final assignments for Lighting class.  A film project and a light plot (I can't figure out Vectorworks to save my life).

At least once these TV episodes get shot, I'll just have to edit for that class.  We'd already be done filming my episode if...well, that's another story for another day...

I figured out a new system to lose weight.  It requires a female partner, though.  One that would sleep with me.  So it would never work.  Pretty much a positive reinforcement system.

Lose 25 lbs: Makeout/boob touching
50 pounds: Colonel Angus
75: Lewinsky
100: All the way.

Yeah. It would never happen that way.

Guess I'll just try Fiji Water instead of Mountain Dew.

BTW, ten weeks without a NOS energy drink.  TEN FUCKING WEEKS.  It's getting easier.  But still trying at times...like on shoot nights...

Lemme see when I can hit the gym again.  And if 7-11 has any halfway healthy options...

Later.
-Justin