Confidence and other things...

I am socially backward.

I dunno what it is.

I can go onstage and not shut up.  But one-on-one, I don't know what the fuck to do.  I find the only way I can hold a conversation is to turn it into a comedy routine.  If I keep them laughing, I can keep going.  But once the subject changes, I clam right back up.

I'm finding myself hanging out with more people in class, but I also find myself always being "on."  Always cracking jokes.  Never stopping.  I would say it's like I'm trying too hard, but I AM trying too hard.

And I don't know how to stop.

Since I've gained this weight back, my confidence level has dropped to sub zero.  I'm often feeling like I have nothing to give but being the funny fat guy.  Like that's my niche in my social groups and that I shouldn't leave that zone.

I've stopped even entertaining the notion that I'll find a girl.  It's just something I don't wanna try to do.  Whenever I try, I get burned.  People often tell me to stop looking and it'll come my way.  Well, I've stopped.  And still nothing.

Why can't life be like a Judd Apatow movie?  You know, everyone gathers together, helps me build my confidence, and helps me get laid.  With comedic results.  Instead, I have a comically sad story revolving around loser friends that bought me a crack whore and didn't throw me in the room until after one of them had just finished with her...

I'm sick of feeling this way again.  I'm sick of paying $30 a month for the gym for nothing.  I'm sick of frequent gout flareups and big-ass meals and guilt.  I'm sick of believing I don't deserve anything good.  I'm sick of Fat Frank whispering me his demented lullabies.

When this semester is over, I need to overhaul everything again.  How did I live like this before?  I honestly don't know.

Later.
-Justin