Nintendo's a bunch of meanie-heads.

So, I registered for the Biggest Loser competition at work.

Somewhat fun, somewhat embarrassing.

Here's how it went.

The store manager set up a Wii in the back office with a Wii Fit and a balance board.  We got to make our own Mii character and register onto Wii Fit with it.

So I set mine up.  Gave it my glasses, my blue eyes, and my side part (which still hasn't come back since my venture in head shaving, but is somewhat a part of my image).  Kinda had fun with this.  Decided to give him a blue shirt.  Because that's what I wear at work.

So then the time came for the stats.  Age, height, and most important of all, weight.  Age was a matter of putting my birthday in.  Height was just adjusting a couple bars.  Then came the "fun" part.

Come on.  Do I really explain the quotations are my way of expressing sarcasm?

I got to step on the scale.

But before they would tell me my weight, they decided to up the suspense.  They tested my balance.

And, yes, I am indeed relatively well balanced.  Physically at least.  Mentally, that's for me to know and the psychologists to find out.

Then they threw up the BMI.

And, yes, I'm a fattie.  Don't remember the exact BMI (blocked it out).  The arrow didn't just climb up the meter.  It practically rang a bell like one of those Test Your Strength games at a carnival.

OBESE.

Then they finally gave me my number, in front of my store manager and the Hollister-looking participant who wants to GAIN weight (um...wrong competition, Stick Boy).

So, ladies and gentlemen, let me give you the number.  As embarrassed as I am, I do this because I firmly believe I won't be anywhere near this number again.

320

I'll admit I'm still somewhat grateful I didn't get back up to my original number of 346.  But 320 still isn't something to be proud of.  I somehow managed to gain 35 pounds in a year's time.  I was at 285 at one point.  Where did I go wrong?

To add insult to injury, my Mii suddenly stretched sideways, growing a belly and a fat butt.  Complete with stretching rubber sounds and a pop at the end.  Then it said my "real age" was 43.  My testicles dropped two feet with that news.

Then when they put my Mii character together with my boss and Skinny Guy, my Mii kept rubbing his belly like it were a damn genie lamp.

Whoever programmed the Wii Fit deserves a swift smack upside the head.

Whatever.  Now I have something to start with.  Once my mucus disappears, I am getting my ass over to the gym.  Until then, I will control the only thing I can: my intake.

I will never see 320 again.  I'll never see a 3 in the beginning of my weight again.  And dammit I'm gonna be the sexiest bitch in all the land.

Ladies and gentlemen, 2011 will see the launch of Perro Sexivo 2.0.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get some sexy rest.

Good night.
-Justin